Sept 11 holds lots of reflections and memories for many many people. For the rest of my life I will remember the 11th of September as the day, unbeknownst to me until , this early fall day, my five month old fetus was not alive. She was lying in wait… sleeping like an angel in heaven, nestled “still” in my womb, heart resting, waiting for the doctors to see with their technology that she no longer accepted my nourishment, her little heart no longer beat rhythmically with my pulse. It was a day of remembrance all over the nation and now this day will forever be etched in my mind, my loss, my grief, my little angel.
My mind echoes back to that small room with the ultrasound equipment showing the lack of growth, the stillness of my baby’s heart as the flat line of the monitor alerted the technologist that something was wrong. I also saw the lack of the heartbeat, that flat line on the bottom of the screen. I knew in my heart, when the ultrasound technician left the room quietly to go and fetch the Doctor that things were not good.
I looked up at my husband, tears in my eyes, knowing our baby died, but not daring to speak these thoughts out loud. I waited in anguish for the Dr to come. It was only a few minutes but seemed like forever before the Dr. who read the ultrasound confirmed my fears. Shockingly I was to learn that my baby had not grown since my last ultrasound which was the day I had the amniocentesis procedure done. Just 3 and 1/2 weeks earlier alive and growing my baby lived in me. We went to the beach she and I and her big brother. I would watch the little ones everywhere I went. I would spy on couples with strollers and think… Zoe, that will be us next year. Smiling, absentmindedly patting my tummy I was happy and blissful thinking of my baby girl due early next year.
Now this day the 11th of September I will always remember. I was scheduled to see my OBGYN Dr. after my ultrasound. It was not a happy visit. I was quietly trying not to cry as my husband and I wound our way through the hospital to my next scheduled appointment. Instead of the pregnancy we were discussing our daughter’s death.
My Dr. inserted seaweed of some kind into my cervix to soften it up overnight. I was to be admitted to the “Birthing Pavilion”. It was such a silly thing to have to think about. Going to the BP where such joyous happenings occurred every day. But I was going to the Birthing Pavilion to say hello and goodbye all in one breathe to my baby who I barely knew.She was an angel sent to us but taken so quickly it felt as if my heart dropped right out of my body leaving a big empty hole.
I was to deliver my baby just as if she would live. She was tiny so very tiny with perfect little features. I counted her ten little fingers and 10 little toes. Little arms that crossed protectively around her body and I noted with a smile that she had the square of her fathers chin. She fit into the palm of my hand, tiny but perfect. An angel,waiting for her mother to hold her.
I wrapped her in a cotton diaper cloth which I graced with Burberry perfume (every girl needs a little dab of perfume) and held her tiny body as if she was sleeping wrapped in a receiving blanket. I didn’t feel peace I just felt empty with so much pain in my heart. I had to stop crying and be strong because my husband and our son were coming and we were to have the baby blessed. I asked for a baptism but because she did not live the priest told us he would bless her. She did not live so she had no sins therefore was no need for baptism. She’s a little perfect angel in heaven. With the help of prayer and knowing that someday I will hold Zoe Grace in my arms, her memory stays etched in my heart.
Even though the Dr. said that they can’t be certain that the amniocentesis caused Zoe’s death the doctors confirmed that she never grew since the ultrasound which was done during the amnio. My baby did not have any problems that they look for in the amnio testing… everything came back negative. At my age of 42 they suggest the amnio… Today I say just don’t do it.Please feel free to contact me at my e-mail email@example.com.
I’ve a vision of weeping children
Hand in hand with Jesus’ mother
They beckon us to take control
Please don’t destroy another
Innocence in these translucent faces
His love surrounds their hearts
These battlefields within the womb
Must stop before we’re lost
Oh, Mothers please do treasure life
Our wombs are much more fitting
To be a loved and sacred place
Not a tomb for random killing
Don’t reject God’s gift of life
Please don’t reject his heart
He himself chose Mary’s womb
To give His son His start
Dear children holding hands in Heaven
Their love is oh so much
Holding out their precious palms
Awaiting mother’s gentle touch
Right to Life
What right is it of anyone’s
to take a precious life
Who are they to take a soul
before it’s had its time
While God is crying tears of rain
there seems to be another
Who doesn’t think that right to life
should betray the choice of mother
Do they not know, the tears that’s shed
the anguish in His heart
To be so cruel, not care for life
and tear it all apart
They know not what they’re doing
or surely they would see
This precious life is more than just
a mother’s destiny
So in our daily prayers lets ask
for God’s forgiven hand
To open up their hearts to life
please help them understand.
Written by: Trish Boncek-Hafford…..firstname.lastname@example.org